Still cloudy and rainy. Standing on the bus stop under small umbrella attacked by streams of water I wondered if it is possible to rain more. It was possible, actually...
Before going out in the morning I had a quick chit-chat with my flatmate. Poor one - she has to put up with my non-stop talking. I was doing of course the "men stuff" - about things with J., my obsession of David, dreams I have about a boy from studies (I know how it sounds... infitile)... 'tralalala'
But this time she said something that brought a serious and important thought to my mind. It's about events we have been waiting for, but that did not occurred. If we'll involve God/fate/universe into this, we can say that it was their finger which stopped the course of events just because the results would have been tragic or much more painful than stopping in the middle. Like the situation with David - we were getting closer and closer and there was one evening which bored the mark of a breakthrough. He told me one of his secrets, asked for a walk, flirted, was much more talkative than always. Many more could have happened but suddenly our mothers called us at the same time - and I had to go back home. Something had been cut in the middle. And nothing so advanced happened again. Ok, I can speculate now that maybe it was only a game - maybe flirting and making friends with me leaded to making The Other Girl jelaous, that was his plan. But that's only a speculation, supported by weak evidence. Whatever it was - it was cut. I was taking this occurence as a convergence of circumstances, which dashed my dreams. But today (thanks to my flatmate) I realised that this could be my luck. What if things between me and David got further? Maybe he would have cheated on me, or left me for The Other Girl? Making me feel more shited than I felt when nothing happend. Maybe he would have hurt me much, much more, more I can even imagine.
Thinking about this from that point of view, made me look on this matter a little bit differently. All right, I'm still mad about him and propably will be for some time more (gosh, aren't two years enough?), but it's a next step in dealing with it well.
I told J. that I prefer if he stayed somewhere else during being in The City. I felt relieved. If things aren't clear between us, we better work on maintaining distance.
Everything going quite well with the end of term. I have to get everything well-learned for exams and that's it. I'm worried a little bit about the lectureship next year - no more french! - but hope I can arrange it in September.
No mood for any specific music. Just want to go to sleep, but so much things to do... I should play something energetic but have no idea, really.
Rain still hitting my tin window sill...
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