Thursday, floody

Everybody is in the mood of searching for love. So - where is it? 

I've survived the biggest rainshower in my life today. With water in my leather boots I crawled through the streets (well, streams actually) like a combatant in a short skirt.

I feel ill, I feel tired, I feel lazy.

I want to go home, but two days left. Sounds like nothing, but while you wait for something it appears like ages. And you are anxious that something will go wrong.

Stayed in the flat instead of going for last poesis classes. F*** this sh**. Don't wanna see that lecturer again. It will be "funny" if  I'll find that I've exceeded the limit of absence. Singing bitterly: ha-ha-ha. But not yet. Maybe it won't happen.

Ok, girl. Take your toys. Shut down the computer and read your anthropology notes, I beg you.

A facebook note on one of my collegues wall:  "Looking for nice, pretty and funny woman, who will walk with me under the umbrella."

Totally agree - I need a nice, handsome and funny man with a big umbrella. Um.

Bruce Springsteen on.

Wednesday, still pouring...

Still cloudy and rainy. Standing on the bus stop under small umbrella attacked by streams of water I wondered if it is possible to rain more. It was possible, actually...

Before going out in the morning I had a quick chit-chat with my flatmate. Poor one - she has to put up with my non-stop talking. I was doing of course the "men stuff" - about things with J., my obsession of David, dreams I have about a boy from studies (I know how it sounds... infitile)... 'tralalala'

But this time she said something that brought a serious and important thought to my mind. It's about events we have been waiting for, but that did not occurred. If we'll involve God/fate/universe into this, we can say that it was their finger which stopped the course of events just because the results would have been tragic or much more painful than stopping in the middle. Like the situation with David - we were getting closer and closer and there was one evening which bored the mark of a breakthrough. He told me one of his secrets, asked for a walk, flirted, was much more talkative than always. Many more could have happened but suddenly our mothers called us at the same time - and I had to go back home. Something had been cut in the middle. And nothing so advanced happened again. Ok, I can speculate now that maybe it was only a game - maybe flirting and making friends with me leaded to making The Other Girl jelaous, that was his plan. But that's only a speculation, supported by weak evidence. Whatever it was - it was cut. I was taking this occurence as a convergence of circumstances, which dashed my dreams. But today (thanks to my flatmate) I realised that this could be my luck. What if things between me and David got further? Maybe he would have cheated on me, or left me for The Other Girl? Making me feel more shited than I felt when nothing happend. Maybe he would have hurt me much, much more, more I can even imagine. 

Thinking about this from that point of view, made me look on this matter a little bit differently. All right, I'm still mad about him and propably will be for some time more (gosh, aren't two years enough?), but it's a next step in dealing with it well. 

I told J. that I prefer if he stayed somewhere else during being in The City. I felt relieved. If things aren't clear between us, we better work on  maintaining distance.

Everything going quite well with the end of term. I have to get everything well-learned for exams and that's it. I'm worried a little bit about the lectureship next year - no more french! - but hope I can arrange it in September. 

No mood for any specific music. Just want to go to sleep, but so much things to do... I should play something energetic but have no idea, really.

Rain still hitting my tin window sill...

Tuesday, both

Both sun and pouring rain today. I thought I will not be able to get up in the morning - so sleepy I was! But, surprisingly, I even went for an earlier bus. 

Didn't go for philosophy classes and promised myself to do all the work I have to. So far done only third of it. 

I called J., (my ex and best friend - well, I thought so...) because I wanted to talk to someone and whimper about how helpless I am and how I cannot force myself to do anything. But he was busy so I've just asked whenever he knows more about his own plans. He will be in The City for his exams this week and wanted to sleep at my place (yes, well...sleep with me). I hoped he will stay in The City till saturday and help me with my luggage. "He doesn't know yet...it depends on many things...". All right, I understand. But I felt like he just doesn't care. I could never depend on him in everyday life, but he at least CARED. I don't know - maybe his every move which doesn't conform to my idea, irritates me and triggers wave of disappointment. Maybe it's my fault - maybe I still want him to be my page. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe we should give up our contacts. But I've always thought about J. as my best friend. I've always got the biggest support from him. He was the one who loved more, who was nice and never unfair. He knows everything about me and I thought I know everything about him- but recently it appears he was never telling everything he was thinking or feeling. Maybe now (and then) I've got unrealistic, unfair expectations. But I felt bad after this call. I felt sad and disappointed. And angry that I always have to depend on myself, only myself. And I realised for 1000th time that J. is not a man, who can rescue a woman. Rescue by giving a hand with transporting the luggage or by consoling in everyday problems. I need such a man. But there isn't any. All right, I know that it's a fairytale - men aren't knights on white horses.

Oh I'm so angry and so sad at the same time. So dissapointed! Is it my fault? Are these my unrealistic expectations?

Don't have a mood for anything. I want to eat someting tasty, but don't have anything good in the fridge. Don't feel like going to the shop. Don't have motivation for work. 

And no music can cure it. 

Monday and it rains.

Rainy day in The City. It's really wet, but I'm getting over it. It's not annoying. Not too much, thought. Yes, I've got pissed off when woman shook off water from her umbrella straight on to my colorful skirt. Skirt is great, really pretty. And rain is not good for pretty skirts.

Today is one of the days when I feel like a lady. There are different days when I feel like different people - the sexy one, the romantic one, the rebel one... and of course this ugly one, stupid one, fat one... I realised that it has sth associated with clothes I wear, music I listen to, films or books which influenced on me recently. But today's a Lady Day. I can't specify it directly, this feeling. But I try to act more elegant, smile more, be kind, look pretty, stand straight. To muster all the charm I have inside. It's quite pleasant. 

Been on fantasy classes, really boring, but that professor is amazing. I will miss him very much. But maybe we will have some classes with him next year, who knows... 

Yes, I think about Balzaretti very often. I don't realise anymore if it's him I'm thinking of, or David. They are so, so, so similar! I can't look on David, so I look on Balzaretti. But now I daydream about the football player mostly, not David himself. Well, it has to be strictly connected. 

Rain still pouring. Wonder if there is rain in David's city. Is he getting wet? He never liked umbrellas. Or maybe he just didn't like my umbrella? Not enough to get under it next to me.

Ok, stop it. Get to work.

It's a good day for Cocorosie tunes.


Edit (15:44)
Got that re-mail from woman "teaching" poetics. She liked my essay but of course had million of hyper-eloquent, boring, shit-worth comments. I don't have any will to discuss it with her, I don't have any will to spend any more time on this essay and I don't give a shit if it will be published on this new cultural site. I hate this academic enviroment. Those people seem to be so far away from real life. Yes, this mail has definitely spoiled my mood. I've got no motivation to do my work. I want to sit here and watch films.