Tuesday, both

Both sun and pouring rain today. I thought I will not be able to get up in the morning - so sleepy I was! But, surprisingly, I even went for an earlier bus. 

Didn't go for philosophy classes and promised myself to do all the work I have to. So far done only third of it. 

I called J., (my ex and best friend - well, I thought so...) because I wanted to talk to someone and whimper about how helpless I am and how I cannot force myself to do anything. But he was busy so I've just asked whenever he knows more about his own plans. He will be in The City for his exams this week and wanted to sleep at my place (yes, well...sleep with me). I hoped he will stay in The City till saturday and help me with my luggage. "He doesn't know yet...it depends on many things...". All right, I understand. But I felt like he just doesn't care. I could never depend on him in everyday life, but he at least CARED. I don't know - maybe his every move which doesn't conform to my idea, irritates me and triggers wave of disappointment. Maybe it's my fault - maybe I still want him to be my page. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe we should give up our contacts. But I've always thought about J. as my best friend. I've always got the biggest support from him. He was the one who loved more, who was nice and never unfair. He knows everything about me and I thought I know everything about him- but recently it appears he was never telling everything he was thinking or feeling. Maybe now (and then) I've got unrealistic, unfair expectations. But I felt bad after this call. I felt sad and disappointed. And angry that I always have to depend on myself, only myself. And I realised for 1000th time that J. is not a man, who can rescue a woman. Rescue by giving a hand with transporting the luggage or by consoling in everyday problems. I need such a man. But there isn't any. All right, I know that it's a fairytale - men aren't knights on white horses.

Oh I'm so angry and so sad at the same time. So dissapointed! Is it my fault? Are these my unrealistic expectations?

Don't have a mood for anything. I want to eat someting tasty, but don't have anything good in the fridge. Don't feel like going to the shop. Don't have motivation for work. 

And no music can cure it.